Inkling

I begin to think something, an inkling of something. Possibility. My potential capacity to actualize aspiration. I feel the edges of my unlived life and quiver at its magnitude. I begin to think I am capable of incredible feats. A life of health, wholeness, joy, and deep commitment. So what stands in my way?

Rising

I can feel myself growing with each day. 

New opportunities are presenting themselves. 

For love. 

For work. 

For art. 

I am leaving behind what distracts me. 

And working hard to face what is in front of me. 

Breaking out on my own. 

Finding a space that is entirely mine. 

Setting boundaries with people. 

Finding myself within my own field. 

Cultivating peace and inner security. 

It is my inner strength that is bringing all this to pass. 

Taking refuge in the jewel of my own heart 

And thriving there. 

This is a new world I’m treading in. 

A new world of possibilities and satisfaction. 

Of needs met and passions pursued.

What starts from within will inevitably make its way out. 

And so I am beginning with the blank canvas of my soul, 

Forging ahead with a new life. 

One grounded in love and care and strength and resilience and fluidity. 

And I am excited for the day when finally my dreams come to pass 

Somewhere there is a layer of skin I no longer need, 

A shell going back to the earth 

While I rise 

Little by little 

Into the heavens. 

The In Between Space

The field between my fingertip and the screen 

Is a reverse gravity 

A strong resistance. 

If there are words they are teetering upon written 

But remain as mere potential. 

If there are feelings they are unformed 

Amorphous

And dark.

Sometimes writing is worse 

Than wading 

Barefoot through a gator swamp 

Or a swarm of bees 

Or a cave of horrors. 

Instincts and actions 

Never seem to agree. 

They bicker and battle 

And melt into nothing

Into a sad paralysis. 

A low grade misery 

That permeates everything. 

And in the in between space 

Lives an insatiable dissatisfaction,

A disappointment at the core of me,

An arthritis of the soul.

In the field between finger and screen 

Is a desire to run the fuck away,

To kill my passion 

Before it kills me, 

Slowly, 

Dreadfully, 

Dead.

Like Any Old Element

Skip a life completely 

Stuff it in a cup.

Family’s are subject to decay 

Like any old element. 

Memories become impossible burdens 

On the soul. 

People get lost in their dysfunction

In their own lives 

Myself included. 

They forget too easily 

What was once precious,

And forgo it for their own reprieve. 

Sand castles built in the afternoon 

Will have washed away 

When the stars come out. 

The waves may look like glass 

In the morning 

But at night they rage. 

They swallow sand and kelp 

And images held dear.

No man steps in the same lake twice 

For it is not the same lake 

And he is not the same man. 

Things do change. 

If I am certain of anything it is that. 

Not much can be done about it. 

No amount of denial or effort. 

You make the best of it. 

And maybe internalize the pain 

Take it upon yourself 

That the family was destroyed in a fire 

And the good times are draped in shadows 

And you are not in family photos anymore. 

And the beach grass smells like something 

But you can’t remember what. 

The sticks don’t resemble swords anymore either. 

They’re just sticks. 

And the water is receding 

And so are you. 

And if there is any silver lining 

It is that mountains don’t move at all. 

And they will always be there to cradle you 

When your mother has died 

And your childhood home has been sold 

To a couple 

Who made a sauna out of your playroom. 

And if you are lucky you will not 

Remember anything. 

You will find your solace in the moment 

In the sun 

In the wind 

Beneath trees 

And your own inner strength. 

You will live in a depression 

But create happiness from inside yourself. 

Your heart will beat stronger wherever you are 

Regardless of the sunsets 

Regardless of fig newton’s

Or fruity pebbles.

Your heart will beat stronger because you made it so. 

You made it so. 

You made it so.