Inkling

I begin to think something, an inkling of something. Possibility. My potential capacity to actualize aspiration. I feel the edges of my unlived life and quiver at its magnitude. I begin to think I am capable of incredible feats. A life of health, wholeness, joy, and deep commitment. So what stands in my way?

Like Any Old Element

Skip a life completely 

Stuff it in a cup.

Family’s are subject to decay 

Like any old element. 

Memories become impossible burdens 

On the soul. 

People get lost in their dysfunction

In their own lives 

Myself included. 

They forget too easily 

What was once precious,

And forgo it for their own reprieve. 

Sand castles built in the afternoon 

Will have washed away 

When the stars come out. 

The waves may look like glass 

In the morning 

But at night they rage. 

They swallow sand and kelp 

And images held dear.

No man steps in the same lake twice 

For it is not the same lake 

And he is not the same man. 

Things do change. 

If I am certain of anything it is that. 

Not much can be done about it. 

No amount of denial or effort. 

You make the best of it. 

And maybe internalize the pain 

Take it upon yourself 

That the family was destroyed in a fire 

And the good times are draped in shadows 

And you are not in family photos anymore. 

And the beach grass smells like something 

But you can’t remember what. 

The sticks don’t resemble swords anymore either. 

They’re just sticks. 

And the water is receding 

And so are you. 

And if there is any silver lining 

It is that mountains don’t move at all. 

And they will always be there to cradle you 

When your mother has died 

And your childhood home has been sold 

To a couple 

Who made a sauna out of your playroom. 

And if you are lucky you will not 

Remember anything. 

You will find your solace in the moment 

In the sun 

In the wind 

Beneath trees 

And your own inner strength. 

You will live in a depression 

But create happiness from inside yourself. 

Your heart will beat stronger wherever you are 

Regardless of the sunsets 

Regardless of fig newton’s

Or fruity pebbles.

Your heart will beat stronger because you made it so. 

You made it so. 

You made it so.

Unlived Life

Skip everything that causes trouble.

Drama is like a triple long island.

It tastes good going down.

But you’re likely to feel like shit the next day.

It is not easy

Overcoming the blocks

Pushing back against the wall

Destroying the destruction

Before it does its worst.

If somewhere within you

Is an unlived life screaming out

For your attention

You must heed its call

Sooner or later

Or else risk being swallowed whole

By the big motherfucking sad.

In Circles

Funny how life turns in circles.

How we come back around to the same lesson

The same story.

The same drama living inside us.

It happens without our knowing

While we sleep

And dream.

The circle comes back around.

My life is a series of concentric circles

Flowing outward and into each other.

Yours is too, if you didn’t know.

I am bound to something

Something inescapable

Something which breathes a life
Greater than the one I have known.

It is on the other side of this old cycle.

Remembering never to underestimate

The enemy within,

Nor the soul

Which knows its true North

No matter what.

Spinning round we go

Ever deeper into the meat of things

The real gist. 

My depression lives 

In that liminal space 

Between Winter and Spring.

It is never very loud.

But when the frost is fading

And the bulbs are nipping at the soil,

That’s when it rears its head.

I lose faith.

I begin to give up

When it seems that my truth

Is a lie;

And each time I come back around.

Riding the circle.

Laughing at my forgetfulness.

Weeping at my struggle.

Though I falter,

Though writing becomes a chore,

A burden,

A shackle,

If I live to see it die,

If my father does not see me

Become the being I am destined to be,

I will never forgive myself.

I could never forgive myself.

I’m sorry for forgetting. 

So many times.

Again and again.

But I suppose that is the nature of life.

Always spinning in circles.

And sometimes it’s easy to get dizzy.