I needed to write something, anything. Days have gone by, without so much as a word. For a deep thinker like myself, writing is like going to the bathroom. I just have to do it. And if I don’t I get all backed up; words begin to clog the mind labyrinth; they start to push and shove into one another, threatening to form new words, paradoxical words like soligether, and happencholy.
Two words that seem to perfectly describe my current state of being: soligether (solitude + together) and happencholy (happy + melancholy).
I leave for residency in three days; staying in a house that teeters on the bank of the Osage River, surrounded by the bare woods, by frost, and perfect silence; with nothing but my laptop, my books, my unfinished stories beckoning for my attention, a host of comfy sweaters and warm warm blankets; eating food I have carefully chosen to build a new and healthy diet; establishing a regimen of exercise and transpersonal practice; perfecting my discipline; making friends with time, learning to work with and not against him.
It takes an average of 66 days to form new habits–meaning when I return I will have another 36 days to go. It is my intention that by the end of 2017, I have completed the Cosmic Quartet, I have made a good deal of headway on Tuscan Chatterbox, and finished Mr. Hayward’s Mother to send out for publication. It is my intention to have established a healthy and disciplined writing schedule; to be eating right and treating my body well; to read one book every week to two weeks; to continue saving money for travels and debt paying; to have found another freelance position that suits my interests and desires; to have begun my education at a fully funded MFA program; to have found the balance between my greatest desires: solitude and togetherness (togetherness with my friends, my mentors, my family, and perhaps if I am in a good place a new love relationship). I intend to make 2017 the first full year of my new life.
This past year has been difficult, to say the least. So much has happened. Heartbreak. Heartache. Separating from the person I loved the most. Leaving psych grad school to pursue my writing career. Making so many new and important friends. Nearly losing some of those same friends. Going to Europe, and falling in love with Italy. Oh Italia, my heart still beats for thee. Receiving a fantastic freelance opportunity. Having to set boundaries in ways I have never done before. Learning what it means to love myself, to love all of the dark, struggling parts. And on top of all that I have been having digestive issues for the past two months (they started some time in Europe). I’m having to take a much more conscious approach to my food intake. While it’s painful, in a way it is the wake up call I needed.
I’m not getting any younger. On the contrary, I’m getting older. My body is not the same as it was six years ago, when I could work out, smoke cigarettes, run five on fives for six hours and then eat at taco bell. I’m actually an adult–which is weird to think about. I used to say oh it will all happen; everything I want will come to me. But I’m not foolish. This past year more than anything I have learned just how little of one’s dreams will come to them if they don’t put in the effort–if their dreaming is not followed up by solid, intentional action.
So I’ve entered the new year with my mind set on taking better care of myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, creatively; building on my efforts from this past year; on learning from my mistakes; setting strong, solid boundaries; giving of myself when the opportunity arises; drinking more water and kombucha; smoking less weed; meditating, doing yoga and qi gong; becoming more mindful of my thought processes, creating new and positive thought patterns; giving more love and awareness to my emotions as they arise, embracing them without falling into them; working hard and saving money wherever I can; minimizing waste and maximizing productivity. I want to bring light to everything I’ve struggled with, all aspects of self care.
And perhaps most importantly I want to enjoy life right now–which at this very moment I am. I’m wearing a big blue soft knit sweater wrapped in a fuzzy pink blanket, sipping my kombucha. Gentle splashes of sunlight spill through the blinds and over my shoulders. My hair’s a curly mess. My mascara smeared. My feet are bare. No one’s home. The house is quiet. I’m enjoying this precious minute of peace with my writing, Blue Boi the cat is rustling on the carpet. And a steady tingle of energy is trickling through me. I am home, both within myself and without. Whole. Complete. Centered. I can feel my heart. It’s big and soft. Strong and caring. Full of love, compassion, and forgiveness. It’s funny what happens when I lose touch with it. I start to blame others. I give people power who don’t have a dang clue what to do with it. I get weepy and existential. But now I’m coming to see what it means to stay in my heart space. Each moment is an opportunity to be there. To be Here. To be attentive to whatever is right in front of me and within me.
More and more I feel like my own soulmate. I feel I am learning what it means to give myself love so when the time arises for me to be in partnership once more, I can demonstrate what it means to love me, and I can give that love to others. I feel quite honestly that whomever receives my love is truly blessed because I care so deeply, I just want to see all my people happy and successful, comfy and loved. My love is a gift I get to give freely. For it is in infinite supply, ever available from my personal source.
And this year, 2017, a 1-year numerologically, I have a real chance to cultivate my connection with Source. To grow myself in the manner of a Quaking Aspen, big and tall with eyes wide as the Rhine. I have a chance to fulfill these new and beautiful beginnings. And to love, love, love in every single moment, embracing light, embracing dark, embracing paradox–learning what the words soligether and happencholy really mean. Perhaps in time I shall figure it out.