If you wake up from a good snooze to find that a blorb yorp has swallowed your pet cat and pooped in its litter box, congratulations you are now the proud owner of a pet blorb yorp.
If Mr. Wiggles the lizard sends you a brightly colored envelope, don’t open it. Just don’t.
If you stare long enough at a sesame seed bagel will it reveal the secrets of the universe to you? No. No it won’t. It’s just a bagel.
If Milfred Winchell, a British parakeet with a bad attitude, flies into your open window while you’re engaged in a rousing game of ping pong, don’t make eye contact with him. If however the game is something else, say Scrabble or croquet, be sure to give him a popsicle.
If Milfred Winchell doesn’t eat the popsicle, he might like a choco-taco.
If your girlfriend tries to fry an egg on your scalp mid shower, pass her the pepper.
If she eats the egg without offering you a bite, pass her through the front door.
If the ghost of Warren G. Harding asks you for a Klondike bar, remind him that the kettle never boiled at Teapot Dome.
If the ghost of John Kennedy asks you for a Klondike bar, ask him not what the Klondike bar can do for him but what he can do for the Klondike bar.
If an anthropomorphic bobby pin eats all your Apple pie, perhaps it’s time to change the locks.