Don’t read this. It will only hurt you. It will only make you uncomfortable. Don’t read this.
Okay wow I know you’re still reading… Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
If you read this, you are consenting to exposure to my deepest, often ugliest thoughts. You are acknowledging that everything that lies herein reflects deeper struggles within my own psyche. If it causes you anxiety, it’s because it causes ME anxiety. If it causes you fear, sadness, and anger, it’s because it causes ME fear, sadness, and anger. If you begin to see the darkness in me, IT’S BECAUSE IT’S REAL. IT’S THERE. And I am constantly trying to come to grips with it. If this leaves a bad taste in your mouth, then just eat a fucking breath mint and move on.
Guilt me. Please. Treat me like shit because I’m a solitary person. Tell me I’m selfish and self-centered and self-absorbed. (Because on some deep level, I am. I am a shitty friend. A shitty sister. A shitty daughter. A shitty niece. A shitty granddaughter. A shitty cousin. A shitty community member. I am no good at this connection thing. NO GOOD AT ALL.)
Treat me like shit because I don’t invest enough care into my family. Treat me like shit always and forever because you think it’s somehow justified. I honestly hate being a social creature. I hate having a family. I hate the way everyone guilts me for focusing on myself, on my own life. I fucking hate it. I hate my sister. I hate her so much. (But I also love her to absolute death). It’s just, she treats me like complete shit all the time and there is no winning with her. I honestly can’t remember the last time she treated me well. When she does, it comes as a complete surprise to me.
SO PLEASE. Guilt me. Make me feel like utter shit because I am trying to live for myself. I am not like you. I do not need constant validation and support from my family. I would be just fine on my own. Tell me I don’t care about anyone but myself and I’ll tell you that I don’t care to spend my time around people who lower my vibration–who harbor secret feelings about me–who wish I acted differently. You know what? If it bothers you, then just leave me the FUCK alone. If it bothers you then stop setting yourself up for failure and unmet expectations because I’m never ever ever going to want to invest so much into a group of people around whom I feel I must regulate myself, must change who I am, must actively and consciously act differently around so that they don’t TREAT ME LIKE SHIT.
FUCK THE FUCK OFF. FUCK THE FUCK OFF. FUCK THE FUCK OFF.
If I’m such a shitty family member then I’ll do what I was afraid my family might do so many years ago. I’ll lop off the head of this collective that fucking abandoned me in my most depressive, vulnerable, dysphoric time in my life. I’ll fucking run away and be just fine with my writing and my books. I don’t anything from anyone. And I’m sick and tired of being spat on, being abused, being told I’m such a bad sister simply because I don’t care to invest my energy in people who think it’s justifiable to treat me like shit because my main focus is my own life. DEAL WITH IT.
I’m sick of all this. I remember why I’m always restless here. I remember. It’s because I don’t want to be apart of this. I don’t want to be apart of a family that guilts me constantly and forever. I don’t want to be obligated to people, whom i might treat badly, whom I might wrong. To people who constantly reinforce the guilt I feel deep in my own gut–because somehow I’M NEVER FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.
So please. GUILT ME. TRIGGER ME. TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. BECAUSE APPARENTLY I DESERVE IT. BUT JUST KNOW THAT I ACTIVELY HATE YOU FOR IT. AND I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU BECAUSE OF IT.
But just know as much as I hate myself, as much as I hate having to show up for other people, I love everyone deeply and just wish there was a way to do away with this paradox in me. To free myself of the burden of running.
Here’s the truth:
Everything I see in her (not my sister); everything I see in her, I see also in myself. And I hate it. I hate her self-centeredness. I hate how she uses people. How she manipulates them. I hate how little she cares for others. How much she pushes away from her deepest connections. I hate how much she relies on her appearance to get by. I hate how cruel and unfeeling she can be. And do you know why I hate it? Because I AM THE EXACT SAME WAY. We are the fucking same. AND I HATE IT.
I wish, more than anything, that I knew how to love these parts of me. Because to be totally honest. I don’t. I don’t know how to love myself.
But I want to learn. How do I learn to love these dark parts?