I’m Tired (A Rant that Might Piss People Off But You Know… Free Fucking Speech and Radical Honesty and All That Wild Jazz)

Okay this is me venting something that’s been festering in my mind quite a bit recently. What I’m about to say probably reeks of privilege, but I’m going to say it anyways because it’s how I’m feeling lately.
I’m tired, absolutely fucking tired of America’s bull shit right now. I’m tired of many things: I’m tired of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. I’m tired of racism. I’m tired of people identifying so heavily with their flimsy and limited identities. I’m tired of trigger warnings. I’m tired of people hating on the ignorance of white people, of cis people, of straight people, of people who experience privilege and power. I’m tired of people whining so much about all that is wrong with the nation. I’m tired of police brutality and unnecessary systemic oppression. I’m tired of dualistic thinking. I’m tired of people conflating masculinity and femininity with gender. I’m tired of trigger warnings. I’m tired of constant conversations about feminism. I’m tired of people thinking they’re better than anyone else for having a solid understanding of these issues (myself included). I’m tired of cause crusaders. I’m tired of hypocrisy. I’m tired of idiocy. I’m tired of oil dependency. I’m tired of people being short sighted in their vision of the world’s future. I’m tired of codependent relationships. I’m tired of television. Of gun nuts. Of the healthcare industry. I’m tired of poverty wages, gentrification, and segregation. I’m tired of divisive politics. I’m tired of the illusion of separation. Of feeling separate from what I and everyone intrinsically are. I’m tired of arguing with people. I’m tired of people needing so badly to be right. I’m tired of people who constantly focus on all that is wrong with the world and yes I acknowledge the irony inherent in this rant. I’m tired of rape. Of rape culture. Of capitalism. Of fear based advertising. Of people in power not giving the smallest shit about those who lack power. I’m tired of trolls. Of cyber bullying. I’m tired of being misgendered. I’m tired of caring about my gender. I’m tired of caring about my identity at all. I’m tired of being out of shape. Of not eating right. Of worrying about my financial status, my health, my future. I’m tired of giving in to my suffering rather than being gentle with it, rather than accepting what is without throwing salt on the wound. I’m tired of people dismissing other people simply because of their social location–that goes for white people, black people, women, men, everyone. I’m tired of not taking full responsibility for myself and my personal power. I’m tired of people not knowing how to communicate. I’m tired of pointing the finger outward at a world that is so sick with pain. I’m tired of factory farms, of animal testing, of fracking, of deforestation. I’m tired of war. I’m tired of western imperialism. I’m tired of in groups and out groups. I’m tired of patriarchy. I’m tired of manipulation and control. I’m tired of passive aggression. I’m tired of pursuing a life that others deem worthy rather than follow my own compass. I’m tired of caring so much and being constantly disappointed by everything. I’m tired of denying myself, silencing myself, of making myself small, of controlling my personality, of feeling lonely and disconnected. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of letting unworthy people hurt me. I’m tired of attachments. I’m tired of clinging. Of obsessing. Of living anything but the fullest life imaginable and unimaginable. I’m tired of everyone being so damn whiny about everything, of not taking the time to change themselves before complaining about the external world (and before you say anything, I’m constantly looking at myself, pursuing self growth, embracing inner work, radical honesty, and self care). I’m tired of people thinking spirituality is a sham, of thinking science somehow excludes the possibility of God. I’m tired of living in such a backwards world when I know at the core of my soul what humans are capable of, when I know how fucking far we can go, and how far we have yet to travel. I’m tired of our brutal ignorance of one another. And yeah, maybe I’m tired of worn out aspects of myself–of smoking so much–of judging so much, even though I do it a lot, even though I’m so sensitive that the slightest feeling of rejection causes me to get angry. I’m tired of being so fragile, at least without doing what I can to strengthen my self esteem, my boundaries, my personal worth. I’m tired. I’m fucking exhausted. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m vulnerable and scared. I’m a fallible and ignorant human. I’m an alien with memories of utopia. I’m desperate to love and be loved, to know that’s the simple and immaculate reality if I’m willing to open up to it. And I hope, I hope to fucking God, that at some point very soon, every single human being in the world tires of the same things and chooses instead to dive deep within themselves until they find forgiveness, until they discover inner peace, then when they do, spread it, share it, be it. And stop caring so much about this paltry illusory world. 

Seriously. Fuck. Can’t we all just take a breath together? Can’t we all just wake up to our own potential and quit all this stupid fucking bull shit? Can’t we? 

Because I’m tired. And I’m ready to let go of all of it. And if you tell me that’s a privilege to be able to let go, I’ll give you ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ by Victor Frankl, and wait patiently while you realize just how much you perpetuate your own damn suffering. I’ll wait until you realize that any freedom that can be given can also be taken, and true liberation, the kind we’re all seeking, is an inward experience. And until we have it all, until we’re anchored firmly in it, none of this crap is going to change.

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